Third party
Josey Vogels
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The idea of a threesome raises some penetrating questions
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We'd both been super busy and were feeling a little distant. An intimate Friday night dinner at our favourite downscale Italian restaurant was just what we needed to reconnect. The bottle of wine didn't hurt either. Neither did the dessert pints at a nearby favourite watering hole. By the time we walked home, we were once again happily drunk in each other's love. We were also just plain drunk. And a little randy.
We got to reminiscing about a steamy strip club experience we once shared (it involved a private room and too much money and that's all I'm spilling) but were both too tired and too tax-time cash poor this particular night to replicate that little adventure.
So, instead, we got out the laptop and decided to go shopping for a threesome.
We headed straight for Lavalife to create a profile in the "Intimate Encounters" section.
When he automatically assumed we were looking for a woman to join us, I got a little peeved. He should be open to another guy if I was open to another woman, right?
Simply not going to happen, he stated matter-of-factly.
Truth be told, I wanted our third party to be female too. But I still quietly resented the double standard.
Next we had to ask ourselves what we were open to. Could I actually watch my husband fuck another woman? No, I decided. I'd be cool with penetration, as long as it was with anything other than him. Could I watch him go down on another woman? Hm, that, I decided, might be kinda hot. Could I watch her go down on him? I thought
so. Not surprisingly, he took little issue with the idea of me and another woman doing whatever. Though, oddly, I wasn't sure I'd be into kissing another woman. To me, the whole threesome experience was purely about sex. Kissing was something else. I suddenly understood why so many professional gals refuse to kiss their clients.
Despite the fact that we agreed to a girl/girl/boy threesome, out of fairness and for argument's sake, I had to ask: Would he be cool with watching another guy have intercourse with me? Nope. Oral, giving and receiving? Yup.
It was a fascinating discussion and we were having a blast discovering our own and each other's limits. I highly recommend it as an exercise for any couple. It also turned out to be great foreplay for some good old-fashioned twosome sex.
But, amidst all the distraction, we ended up with a Lavalife profile sporting a kind of dyke-y looking picture of me (face partly shielded by a blue cowboy hat) that was listed under the "Man" section. We couldn't figure out how to change it so we left it and went to bed.
Like kids on Christmas morning, we woke up full of excitement over what Lavalife might have left under the tree. Unfortunately, we quickly discovered that finding a mailbox full of nude pictures of complete strangers is kind of an excitement killer.
And that we had quite different tastes in women. And that we were both hung-over.
We also decided that we'd never hear the end of it if we were discovered by any friends or family trawling around on the site. We took our profile off.
It was a fun little experiment, even though we didn't go all the way. Maybe next time. Though we might try another route, like a good old-fashioned bar pickup, or maybe we'll save up and hire someone. Less chance things will get personal.
But that was what was most cool about the whole experience. It made us realize the strength of our own bond. Sure, if and when we actually realize this fantasy, jealousy might be an issue. You can't know for sure. But we both really dug the feeling of knowing that, no matter what happened, sex with a third party, as long as we were both present, of course, wouldn't threaten what we have.
It made me understand why people say swinging works best with couples that've been together a long time. You need to be solid before you can share.
I've always said that, coming from a family of eight kids, I've done my sharing time. But I'm not so sure. I can see how, secure in a relationship, sharing could be a fun way to shake things up and inject some fresh interest.
And it's a hell of a lot healthier than trying to achieve the same effect by screwing around behind each other's backs!
Good for you for trying to come up with the never ending conundrum that is a threesome. But I think that if Jerry and George Costanza could not make it work what chance do we have of getting around the inevitable pitfalls! But it is heartening to know that there are still a few brave souls who think that it can and will work out without repercussions!
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Reuven De Souza
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{8 votes}
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The threesome double standard exists and it ain't going away, Josey. Love it or hate it, you gotta accept it because what you're dealing with here isn't equality of the sexes or basic bedroom reciprocity, you're dealing with basic male psychology and that my dear is as primitive and as basic as it comes. Men are pigs and men are dogs, right? Well, we're also territorial when it comes to our women. You might think that it sounds stupid that we don't consider introducing another woman into the relationship for kicks a bad thing but that we'd bring out a shotgun before we even contemplate letting another man touch our woman. Sorry but as a rule most men won't bend on this one. If we do, be worried because invariably it's a bad sign as far as how he feels about you and the relationship.
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Pedro Eggers
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{13 votes}
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I can't help but feel that this is always better in theory than practice. I mean, no matter how much a couple might rationalize, how do you actually forestall feelings of jealousy and/or inadequacy when you partner is sharing intimacy with another? I'd like to think that this could work in practice but my gut tells me that it's much better left to the realm of fantasy...
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Mark St Pierre
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{9 votes}
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| So many things to consider with threesomes... |
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The problem with threesomes is that, although every guy will probably think that this would be the "coolest" sexual experience, there are quite a few things to consider. This is especially true if it's between a guy, his girlfriend and another woman.
Josey already talked about discussing what's allowed and what's not with your partner. But even if there are very few restrictions, the relationship could potentially suffer afterwards. For instance, the guy should make sure not to pay more attention to the third party than his girlfriend. Kissing on the mouth, that Josey also brought up, is another issue to consider. And what if the third person is mutual friend? Depending on how close of a friend she might be, would everyone be willing to put that kind of change in a relationship?
I think that with all these issues, threesomes might be best enjoyed if all parties involved are relatively unattached to each other. That way, there is less chance of awkwardness the morning after and there would be no real long-term consequences on your relationship with each other.
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Angelo Baaco
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{10 votes}
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Note to Josey: There was a time when your column was relevant, instructive, interesting, original. This latest effort proves the thrill really is gone. Let me get this straight: You're willing to do anything and everything with some strange man OR woman, yet kissing seems too personal a thing to do? Who are you, Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? Thinking, discussing, suggesting the idea of a threesome is something you'd recommend for any couple? Can't wait to see next week's column when, unsurprisingly, you let readers know you received a barrage of letters from people whose relationship fell apart after following your suggestion. Then, I really laughed when you write about what an excitement killer it was to receive nude pictures from some Lavalife members (or should I say, OF some Lavalife members? heh heh). You posted a profile, soliciting responses from people who are looking for casual sex for a threesome! What did you expect to receive? Love poems? If you're in a committed relationship, the threesome is all about the sex, as you mention, so aren't unknown or faceless nude pics all about impersonal sex? Oh, here's another head scratcher: so, you removed your profile for fear that friends and family might come across it and find out about your forays into having a threesome...and then you openly write about it in your column. Do you friends and family not read your column, do they not know what you do for a living? Last but not least, already feeling the need to shake things up and stir some fresh interest? How long have you been married for? Has it been 50 years already? Sheesh!
P.S. Miss Bauer: Suggesting Ashley Madison, a popular site for all things philanderer, as a hip way to find the ideal candidates for a threesome?? Double sheesh!
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M. Rodriguez
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{8 votes}
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Well, right now in my life with my boyfriend I don't feel that I am secure enough to have a threesome, but, I will not rule it out some time in the future. I am not against threesomes, it is way better than cheating. My outlook is the other person is a tool for your own pleasure that is why I believe that anyone considering a threesome, the third person should not be a friend or run in the same circle.
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Sandra Germain
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{8 votes}
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Mrs Vogels, if you can pull this off (forgive the innuendo) with a husband and still be comfortable in your relationship, then I once again salute you! It is hard enough to have a relationship with someone, much less deal with the sexual interests that may not match up. But why go to Lavalife? The TV commercials are enough to put me off calling in or surfing the web to improve my love life. Yes, it is hard to connect with others, especially with your particular request, but I am sure that there must be like minded friends who would love the opportunity to be with you and your very lucky husband. Best of luck and don't give up!
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Kendall Defoe
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{5 votes}
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| There are Better Way and Better Sites to get Threesome Candidates |
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Hi this is Suzy Bauer, I'm the Author of Step by Step Threesome and The Threesome Pickup Artist. I'm happy to hear your story and actually I will place a link to it from my blog. There are much better ways of finding candidates for a threesome. In fact the best site I know online is called ashleymadisonblog.com
anyway if you want more info feel free to download a report I wrote about how to have a threesome at www.stepbystepthresome.com
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Suzy Bauer
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{2 votes}
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