When I showed the book to one of my friends, she suggested I buy it for my fiancé as a wedding present. "You can get people to write in a bunch of things that men supposedly know about women!" she said.
Which isn't a half bad idea, actually. I mean, the whole point of many sex columns is to give advice, and while my column may not be your typical Q&A, it's still about passing along the occasional nugget of wisdom. Or maybe just the totally absurd comments people often make under the guise of giving advice.
Either way, so far my friends and I have come up with the following things that men supposedly - or should - know about women:
Women don't want flowers; they want rampant eroticism and obsessive,
uncontrollable lust (this was from a cartoon we found in a Cosmopolitan guide to relationships, also amongst the used "sex and gender" books)At this point, I feel compelled to mention that once upon a time, another friend and I made up a list of "deal-breakers," which ended up being more than 300 items long. This being the case, I've got lots of advice for men, which I've whittled down to my Top Five Deal-Breakers:
5. Face rapists You know the type: the guy who attacks your face when kissing you, rather than attempting to convey any sort of oral pleasure. The Face Rapist may jam his tongue down your throat, suck the air out of your lungs or even lick your face. These are all grotesque mockeries of the kiss, which he somehow believes are totally sexy.
4. Mullets The mullet is not a fashion choice. The mullet is a way of life, and one I prefer to avoid. Business in front, party in the back? Not exactly. The mullet is, for obvious reasons, associated with all that is lame in Canadian culture, and frankly, I don't want to know or date anyone who sports one. Dishonourable mention: the over-40 long-haired dude who consistently sports a greasy ponytail in an attempt to prove that he is "still cool." You were never cool. In the words of Wesley Willis: Cut the mullet!
3. Non-readers Maybe this is just being picky, but for me, the Guy Who Doesn't Read is a definite deal-breaker. Anyone who prefers to spend his time playing video games or watching sports is probably also in this category, but the Non-reader is the most offensive of the bunch. I like men who can talk nerdy to me about all the books they've been reading lately. So call me crazy, but the Guy Who Doesn't Read is definitely not on my to-do list.
2. Bed-wetters This one is, I believe, totally self-explanatory, in addition to being totally disgusting.
1. Anyone who describes his occupation as "Oneironaut" I've met two of them, and they're both assholes. So keep dreaming, guys, cuz it's the only way you're going to be getting any from me.
Anyway, if you've got any advice for men - or other women, for that matter - on the subject of women, let me know at lroberts@hour.ca. To sweeten the deal, I've even devised a contest!
THE FIRST-EVER VIXEN GUIDE TO WOMEN CONTEST
The best advice, whether humorous or serious, will be published in one of my upcoming columns, and the winner will receive a grab bag of prizes containing:
